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If I worked in a restaurant and people asked for coke, I would just hand them a rolled up dollar and say "excellent choice there madam" 
MTV has “My super sweet 16″ and “When I was 17″ what is next? “Officer, I swear she was 18!?”
To err is hunam.
I had this awful dream I was being chased by 'The Count' from 'Sesame Street'. I took off into a field of sheep and managed to escape while he fell asleep...
I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of N'Synch.
Have to go to the doctor to get my blood pressure medication. Not that I need it. I'm a drug dealer to the 50+ crowd
Today is International Women's day. It was supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready !
Recipe for disaster: When your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad..."
Keep your head up and smile in the face of your enemies cause they hate to see you shine....and they'll do anything to see you rust.
I go to the gym to play my favorite game called "I spy a sexy cameltoe" its so fu#king sexy.
Rose are red, Violets are blue, Babe you're single, Cause I am dumping you.
okay so I'm confused..whats came out today? justin beiber or his alblum?
Hey I just met you and You're kinda Crazy So lose my number Don't call me lady
Your ex will leave you, talk bad about you, act like they never knew you, miss you, hit you up and wonder why you don't reply... F*CK YOU
Just spilled a drop of my 5 hour energy shot. I'm guessing that means 4 hours, 22 minutes, and 7 seconds. Party on!
Stop looking at your phone, he hasn't texted or called. But that's okay because he doesn't deserve a girl like you anyways.
A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman...but a beautiful woman with a brain is a lethal combo.
So many 2 x 4's ... So few studs...
Wow! Bethenny Frankel just announced she's getting a divorce! Wait, who the eff is she again???
choosing someone on a dating website is like deciding which STD you want... 