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Lego is offensive to people with bad knees. 
Joey Chestnut set another world record for eating the most hot dogs in the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Tomorrow, he'll win the record for the biggest dump.
I now hold it in my hands. Finally. The expressed written consent of the National Football League.
..... Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears
America: love it or leave it. L left.
Friendly Reminder: a woman that hits a man is not a woman, she's a grown up child.
Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate
Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville did not!
let the President Elect do his thing...The American people will rise up and tell him what they want!
I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.
Her: Make your own snack. Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Her: It's an oven not a forklift.
I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.
if I die while I'm in an elevator I hope its while I'm going up not down
When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.
s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?
When I was 10 years old, people that had over 50 seemed so old... wreckled... slow... I'm going to have 55 in a month.. it is not that bad! But people in their 90's look so old...
This NFL Experience is so real they even have a back room full of white girls & cocaine
I drank a six pack of Chinese beer earlier, ...now the room smells like fireworks.
Turns out,the ball washer at the golf course is just for golf balls..I owe that trio of nuns an apology .
I used to work at a bakery. It was a crumby job, but I made a lot of dough. 