Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
While walking outside a random lady walks up to me. Her: No mask? Me: No underwear either. 
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay. Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
The subject of entomology really bugs me.
I can't make you love me, but I can hold your head underwater until you stop breathing.
I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.
There are two men on opposite sides of the earth. One is on a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral from an 85-year-old woman. Both are thinking the same thing. What? A. Don't look down.
Why aren't all of the social justice warriors out helping hurricane victims?! Too soon?!
Santa: I can't wait for the cookies I'm gonna get in Colorado.
If a woman sends me a "Hey there, good lookin" message, you can be assured she sent it to five other guys too. Kidding. She sent it to me by mistake.
Prepare yourself. The family Christmas pajama pics are headed your way.
I went to buy a set of salad plates. I asked the saleslady at Ross if they had any 8" plates. She said, "Plates are like men." I asked, "How so?" She goes, "They say 8", but they're actually 6".
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
When I was a little kid I was under so much pressure when Smokey the Bear said "Only YOU can prevent forest fires!" until my mother explained that I really didn't have to do it alone.
Wash your hand long enough to pray
How effective is the absorbency of an oak leaf? Asking for a squirrel.
I've decided that throughout this Coronavirus ordeal; especially to those at home practicing Social Distancing, the term "calories" regarding all foods shall now be referred to as "Boredom Alleviation Points."
Deleting my Facebook soon = Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important.
Two new ice cream flavors. Chocolate Chip Happens, and Stay The Fudge Home
They should change the name of our galaxy from the Milky Way to the Snickers. Let's face it, we're all nuts. 