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I'd trade my heart for a liver. Less love and more alcohol. 
im so drunk I'm seeing red headlights in my rearview mirror
I feel like if I wake up in a new Bugatti , I'm probably getting arrested in the near future.
Life is a race...too bad I'm fat.
If you can't handle me at my worst....then I completely understand,because I can't either !
Women are selfish. Why do you want me to make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world? Why not just make you one of the billion luckiest girls in the world?
I'm extremely charming until you get to know me.
I've started a new thing, post your password on my wall in case you forget it!! (Yeah, I got your back :-D)
Patti Blagojevich just change her status to we got so screwed with out sentencing
"I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots," haters, and insecurs...
i have a bad moisture-induced glitter clump problem!
If me and you are ever in an argument and it becomes obvious that I am clearly wrong.... plz don't gloat.... just ask the guy with the eye patch!
I'm the type of person that gets distracted by the race between the grey & red bars on Youtube, and forgets about the video.
If love were truly blind people wouldn't be so damn picky.
They failed to legalize marijuana in my state cause my Xbox doesn't have a "vote here" option."
If a man aspires towards a righteous life, his first act of abstinence is from being a douchebag.
What's the ex's new boyfriend like? Well, he's the kind of guy who drives around in a convertible, but never puts the top down.
Parents: Help you grow from a child to an adult.. Then they become your roommates and get mad when the rent is late..
If you're not going to swear at me during sex, then I'm not doing it right.
They say a still tounge makes a wise head. I say an active tongue gives good head. 