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work face: open mouth, look up, avoid eye contact, never get asked to do anything important again 
I guess my other 510 friends have real lives!
On my laptop, sticky keys are always on.
there's always......."truth" behind "JK"... Emotion behind "I DONT CARE"... Pain behind "IT'S OK" & "I need you" behind "LEAVE ME ALONE"......
Snooki pregnant?! that baby is gonna come out with a vodka bottle in one hand and a self tanning spray bottle in the other! my advice : cut the cord and run lil dude! RUN!!
My girlfriend's baby is now two weeks late, so we're going to call it "Bieber." It just doesn't want to come out.
Imagine how many more YouTube hits that "Kony 2012" video would have had if they had included a cat with his head stuck in a paper bag.
An acquaintance will buy you a drink; a friend will pay off your tab.
Ignore me for five minutes and I'll ignore you for five months.
Trying to decide if its flour or the beginnings of mold on my bread....oh well...nom nom nom
Rearrange the letters to spell an important part of the human body that is most useful when erect: PNESI [A. spine]
If anyone needs me I'll be over on Facebook telling people their babies look atrocious.
"You must be out yo damn mind" = your behavior is very unorthodox and very contradictory towards my wishes
I find it hard to believe that America is running anywhere on Dunkin'.
People who say they don't know how to lie are lying.
Why would I want to bore you with silence, when I can annoy you with small talk?
my mom used to say "i dont want to hear a peep"...i just listened & that candy is very quiet
Contrary to what the facebook status box says, please do NOT "let it all out".
My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with them. They thought the movie was sh*t. But that was nothing compared to my sh*t night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up!!!
Trying to convince my boss that a dog ate my quarterly report. 