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Who are these strange creatures and why are they calling me 'Mom?' 
Getting stuff out of my wardrobe is like playing Jenga.
"With great b( . )( . )bs come great responsibility". JFK I think
The big boss held a staff meeting today. He said "Our employees are this company's most valuable asset!" So he's decided to sell us.
Snap chat expectation - naked ladies.....Snapchat reality - poo pics from your mates
When the relationship hits the wall the douchebag deploys.
just wrote down all the cars I ever owned ........Now I have a bucket list
Just drank a 'coffee to go' while sitting. Screw the system!
I don't want to set the world on fire........just you.
"You miss 64% of the shots you do take" - Dwight Howard's free throw coach
Hey girl. Your cleavage is not a YouTube video. More views doesn’t make it any better than the rest.
Once bitten, twice shy. Twice bitten, b*tch I will muzzle you.
A lot of kids were upset when they found out Santa was not real, I was more creeped out the fact my parents made me take a picture sitting on a strangers lap and kept it for years.
If you are in a strip club getting a lap dance, burn your jeans afterwards.
I liked Carrie Underwood better when she made that deviled ham.
Just because I'm a woman DOES NOT mean I can't have dead hookers in my trunk too.
Pro tip: Don't play mind games with smart people when you know you are dumb.
Shadows give the coolest advice.
Every time my kids ask for help with their math homework, I play dead
The only reason I talk to my family is because I know eventually I'm going to need a new liver. It's ironic because they're why I drink. 