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I don't want to set the world on fire........just you. 
"You miss 64% of the shots you do take" - Dwight Howard's free throw coach
Hey girl. Your cleavage is not a YouTube video. More views doesn’t make it any better than the rest.
Once bitten, twice shy. Twice bitten, b*tch I will muzzle you.
A lot of kids were upset when they found out Santa was not real, I was more creeped out the fact my parents made me take a picture sitting on a strangers lap and kept it for years.
If you are in a strip club getting a lap dance, burn your jeans afterwards.
I liked Carrie Underwood better when she made that deviled ham.
Just because I'm a woman DOES NOT mean I can't have dead hookers in my trunk too.
Pro tip: Don't play mind games with smart people when you know you are dumb.
Shadows give the coolest advice.
Every time my kids ask for help with their math homework, I play dead
The only reason I talk to my family is because I know eventually I'm going to need a new liver. It's ironic because they're why I drink.
That age when you drop a coin on the floor and anything smaller than a quarter isn't worth the effort to lean over and pick up.
Forgiveness is the best gift you can give, unless pizza is involved, then pizza is the best gift.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
I'm just here because real life won't have me.
Someone tried to steal my identity. However, after reviewing my bank accounts and credit information, they felt sorry for me and offered me theirs.
adding "Clinical studies have shown" to your sentences makes you sound more intelligent.
Fun ways to hurt yourself: 1. Throwing yourself down stairs, 2. Punching yourself in the face, 3. Talking to your ex.
True Story: Justin Bieber got his 1st tattoo at the age of sixteen. It was a Butterfly on his lower back just above the bikini line. 