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Guess what my doctor said I'm physically fit to become the next president of the United States! 
It’s May 4 soon, the one day of the year when Star Wars fans celebrate being able to use quite possibly the best pun in the world: “May the Fourth be with you”.
Confucius say: "Wife who keep husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."
Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."
I once tried snorting some coke. And I almost drowned my self.
Ladies, your man is going to do it with you, alone or with someone else so it's your fault if he screws around...
If two vegans had an argument, is it still beef?
I called a crematory to make an appointment, they told me they don't do live customers...
Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
My car's GPS allows you to change voices. I tried the one featuring Karen Carpenter. When I try to calculate my arrival time, the only answer she gives is, "We've only just begun."
For those of you who didn't get the V or the D yesterday, Happy alentine's ay.
Here's a thought...How do blind people know when to stop wiping?
My Grandpa told me that he saw the Titanic. He said that he knew it was going to sink and he kept trying to tell everybody but they didn't listen. Apparently they eventually refunded his money and asked him to leave the theater.
I like it thick and deep- Pizza
I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.
Being pretty doesn't mean sh!t if you are a ho.
Crack the whip on yourself but be lenient with others. Unless they're into that sort of thing.
The 4th Noble Truth: If it has four legs and it's not a table, eat it.
:If I had a penny for every time someone called me a retard... Well... My sh!t would probably be full of half digested pennies. 