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maybe I will knock one out before sportscenter 
911: What's your emergency? Me: Do you think I'm pretty
"Which would make a better theme song for Anthony Weiner?: You Can't Touch This or Pants on the Ground or my personal favorite, Here We Go Again?"
Just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die.
Just because you made her wet doesn’t mean the job is over, get your head back down there rookie.
whenever I think that I'm ready to date again, I always just go and get a new tattoo. because there's a lot less drama with the ink than there is with the pink.
You may be my role model, my mentor, my hero or idol but don't you ever expect blind loyalty from me. If you ever screw up or do some dumb sh*t, I am calling you out and holding you accountable.
The key to successful relationships is to not start one.
I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted
Do not walk before me; I may not follow. Do not walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't even walk beside me. Just leave me the hell alone.
I don't see what the big deal is, I had to twerk at 8am.
long range weather forcast for Damascus, Steel rains gonna fall
Today is going to be a non-labor day
Help, I am missing my wife and dog. $500 reward for the dog.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Here's hoping that 2020 disappears quicker than a pizza at a pothead convention.🍷
2021 will be decided by what the Chinese will eat this christmas
SB halftime show: Forget honesty, forget creativity, forget originality. In these days and times, the only thing these "fans" want is formulaic pablum served on a steamy silver platter of ad nauseam.
Anyone else impressed with the clown with no life who beefed up his "likes" to over 4,000 over a lame chicken joke. Oh, to be 9 again.
I really hate it when people constantly need reassurance. You know what I mean? 