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I,m always a bit down this time of year,The wife said "could it be the alcohol,,,I said "JEESE,,,,,I,M DRINKING AS MUCH AS I CAN ,!!!! 
I don't understand why anyone would sleep when they can stay up thinking about every wrong decision they've made. It doesn't make sense.
I love St. Valentine's Day. Not the holiday, the massacre.
Trying to fix my oven door in my apartment, but I couldn't find a screwdriver. Guess I'll just have to make one. #VodkaOrangeJuice #ProblemSolved
Yes, I'm still listening. Now play the damn ad so I can get back to the music.
These people who came up with this "B1ng" search engine in hopes to compete with G00gle remind me of that company that came up with the Z une trying to compete with the I Pod.
i hope my mom isn't making corned beef and cabbage today.. that stuff smells and tastes like sh*t
I answer the door with a nal beads and whiskey so when the Jehovah's come they know what they're in for.
Umm...you people who live up north whining about the cold weather umm....you umm live up north.
25% vegetarian.
scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst gold miner ever!
Day old pizza that's been sitting out for a day? *shrugs* *eats four pieces*
My wife was complaining that she isnt in shape!!!! Now I sleep on the sofa, becuase I told her Round is a shape!
I buy cheap booze and expensive toilet paper because my liver doesn't care but my ass does.
HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing. HIM: Sure? HER: Yes. HIM: Ok. Well, I'll go now. HER: Whatever! HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing - statusBroughtToYouByPMS
Real men kill spiders for their women with no goddamn backtalk.
so over relationships. I'll just stick to one night stands, no drama that way!
Mark Sanchez has imaginary receivers...
We now have cable TV shows entitled, "Cooking With Honey Boo Boo". My life is clearly over..........
When a woman asks "does my bum look big in this?",she already knows it does, she has eyes. Don't even try to answer, flee the scene & hide. 