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Turns all electronic devices off and lives happily ever after... 
I polled 100 women on what their favourite shampoo was. The response was all the same..."How did you get into my bathroom?!??!?"
The sexual frustration at this church bake sale is palpable.
If you're helping me move and I ask you to move the box that's completely taped shut you're holding the box with all my vibrat0rs in it.
I always worry that mankind is going to start World War III solely because we enjoy trilogies.
I'm not ignoring you, I'm just not taking any notice.
I,m always a bit down this time of year,The wife said "could it be the alcohol,,,I said "JEESE,,,,,I,M DRINKING AS MUCH AS I CAN ,!!!!
I don't understand why anyone would sleep when they can stay up thinking about every wrong decision they've made. It doesn't make sense.
I love St. Valentine's Day. Not the holiday, the massacre.
Trying to fix my oven door in my apartment, but I couldn't find a screwdriver. Guess I'll just have to make one. #VodkaOrangeJuice #ProblemSolved
Yes, I'm still listening. Now play the damn ad so I can get back to the music.
These people who came up with this "B1ng" search engine in hopes to compete with G00gle remind me of that company that came up with the Z une trying to compete with the I Pod.
i hope my mom isn't making corned beef and cabbage today.. that stuff smells and tastes like sh*t
I answer the door with a nal beads and whiskey so when the Jehovah's come they know what they're in for.
Umm...you people who live up north whining about the cold weather umm....you umm live up north.
25% vegetarian.
scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst gold miner ever!
Day old pizza that's been sitting out for a day? *shrugs* *eats four pieces*
My wife was complaining that she isnt in shape!!!! Now I sleep on the sofa, becuase I told her Round is a shape!
I buy cheap booze and expensive toilet paper because my liver doesn't care but my ass does. 