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just opened a store next to 'Forever 21', called 'Finally 22' 
We can stop Iran from buiding a nuclear bomb by just pointing all our nuclear bombs at them...
Happy Father's Day, Caitlyn Jenner!!!!
I like my woman like I like my beer; brown, smooth, and goes down without any problems.
As a guy, the hardest thing about shopping for pants is asking the clerk if they make your butt look fat.
Fighting for peace is like f**king for virginity!!!
instant superhero, just add alcohol
What I want, I get. If I didn't get it, then maybe I didn't really want it.
The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are Chris Hanson.
Stix and stones may break my bones but this shovel can knock you the f**k out!!!!!
just won $10 on a scratch off lottery ticket...that's right, I'm rich.
thinks it's odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they're beautiful animals. Hmmm.... I think my wife is beautiful.
The 33 miners trapped deep underground have apparently been given the bad news that it will take 3 months to dig them out of deep hole... I wish our government would tell us when we could expect being dug out of "Our Hole"
Humpty Dumpty fell off my FB wall. Somebody poked him.
A huge mass of slimy ooze is moving towards New Orleans. I'm confused as I didn't think the Eagles played the Saints this year.
Is as bored as a vibrator in a nunnery
there are three kinds of people in this world. those who can count...and those who can't!
Never treat someone like an iPhone when they treat you like a BlackBerry.
I find nothing more frightening or upsetting than someone saying to me those "three special words"..."Welcome To Tennessee."
True irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a pull out couch. 