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The combination of wet-phlegm laryngitis and requesting Mucinex D from the pharmacist produced comedic results that cannot be cleanly reproduced on Facebook. 
wonders if there's an alternative to mistletoe. one that allows punching.
floating in a life boat after getting thrown off the ship over a misunderstanding over what the poop deck actually was!
Look ladies, I'm not a player. I'm just active participant. :0)
does anybody actually say "booyah" anymore? I think those letters should be separated and granted restraining orders against each other
You can only have so many Green M&M's before your like, WOW! I Really want A Red One!
It dont get no better, it just get different
dropped in an upholstery machine. He is fully re-covered now.
It's pretty hard not to scratch when you're playing pocket pool.
A watched pot never boils. But an unwatched pot boils dry and burns. Is there a happy medium?
I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy...if I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.
You can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink, but you can make him wish he had!
going to see the wizard. I need a brain. Thats what my GF said.
why is it that every year during the ANNUAL solar eclipse comes it is always once in a MILLENIUM
out making some changes in hisher life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes!
'Battery Low'....Why the hell didn't they install sockets in the toilet?!
I was gonna listen to that last lame song you posted, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.
Beer vs Women: Beer would never put you in the friend zone (unless you can't afford it, oh wait same with women).
Some woman just sent this to me: XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO' I was confused by the apostrophe, but then it dawned on me. It must mean she's possessive.
Her mouth says yes. Her body says yes. But I can't hear her, because my nachos say crunch 