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I want you to feel like it's home when you're in between my thighs. ;) 
My sexual preference is you… daily!
There's always that one person who doesn't get it. Don't be that person, no...don't be that person.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide it's eggs?...Cuz it doesn't want anyone to know it's having sex with a chicken.
Just don't update your Facebook status, update your life status...Jesus
I use to be good at math, until they added the alphabet
Facebook...Where people present themselves as up and coming stars, yet no one, including 99% of the people on their friends list ever heard of them.
Rotisserie Chicken..a morbid Ferris-wheel for chicken...spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water...That's right… I LIKE MY CHICKEN DIZZY!!!
I stopped listening to heavy metal after googling "where to buy Anthrax" landed me on several government watch lists.
4:55 am. Just got back from sneaking into all of your bedrooms and putting your hands in bowls of lukewarm water.
What sound does a space turkey make??? Hubble Hubble Hubble.
I'm finishing off this bottle of wine because you never know when an asteroid is gonna hit and I'd hate to waste the $6.49 I spent on it.
It don't matter if I'm single, complicated, engaged, married or divorced. My friends always like my status!
Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.
n't it nice that soon Justin Bieber will go through puberty, Twilight will end, & Mr.Potter's gone? Everything's going to be normal again
I would love to put a smile on your face..and I will be using construction paper and a stapler.
Don't you hate when you read someone's post that you usually find at least a little chuckle of humor in and not only is there no chuckle, it's not even insightful or clever and it's just entirely too long and the sentence runs on and on yet for some reaso
Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic..... Good luck.
Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. 