Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
throwing a party. If you can catch it, you can attend it! 
Kansas "Dust in the Wind" came on the air while I was looking for a Frozen Dinner for ONE. God wants me Dead!
I got some mail yesterday that says, "Tiime-Sensitive Material Enclosed." So I guess I gotta keep it away from clocks...
Walked into 5 spider webs during my evening walk, so 5 times I pantomimed putting out a flaming ski mask.
When someone can't pick you up, it's easier to call them weak than to admit that you're fat.
You know your Old, When they discontinue your blood type.,
sitting here watching out the window as the neighbor kids are finding the "chocolate" eggs I put out.. they came out great. Ex-lax was alot harder to mold than I thought it was gonna be...
I would've went to the wedding just to wear one of those cool hats...
It's Friday the 13th! Want to get lucky?
Money=Problems So Problems=Time Time=money=Girls therefor Girls=problems
Dear Liver, I'm sorry I abused you this weekend. My drinking habits have caused you pain a damage once again. I will make it up to you by not drinking for at least a week or until someone offers me a drink. Please don't be mad at me and continue to functi
Rain on a Monday, in spite of the fact we need the rain, is unacceptable. Mother Nature will be hearing from my attorney.
Obviously what I was trying in the past wasn't working. So I'm doing the opposite. "My name is Andrew. I'm unemployed and I live off borrowing money from people."
My girlfriend called me sad because I always plan things months in advance. That's her off my Christmas card list!
Florida: Those computerized hurricane forecast models are ridiculous. You could give a 4 year old a map and a crayon, and they'd come up with something almost as inaccurate.
Stop hating, quit judging, initiate living, start loving.
You keep me humble, you catch my stumble and you never let me crumble!
It sad when you realize that even your hideously ugly friend is in a relationship and you are still single and dateless.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."
I can let the fact that she owns a cat slide....as long as it's never been used as her profile pic. 