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I once dated a girl who's right leg was slightly longer than her left....I really do miss Eileen. 
If you leave your pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them...
don't go for looks; looks can deceive. don't go for wealth; that can fade. go for the one who puts a smile on your face because a smile can make a dark day seem bright
Casinos,steaks,universities,a brand of Vodka and now our country. Open your eyes people.
Kony 2012. Great another Republican is joining the race for president.
"You the bomb" "No, you the bomb" - A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east.
I sure am glad Hillary didn't get elected because we'd still have Obamacare and be at war with Syria.
Did you know that you can bite off your finger as easily as you can bite a carrot? But you're brain is like "No, don't eat your finger." So that's why you can't.
Can someone please tell me why Johnny Depp has an British/Irish/ or something European accent??? The man is from KENTUCKY... Not Ken-toh-kay... but KEN-Yeee Haw-TUCKY!!!
was standing in line at the ATM the other day when a elderly lady asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her
The next Bond title already causing controversy. "Pissypants Fingerbang".
They say 50% of status updates are written while sitting on the toilet… that's why I don't buy used mobiles.
Before you meet your prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.
Did you guys hear about the robber that stole a calendar? Yeah, he got 12 months.
in a relationship ♥ with Samuel Adams
I got F C and K. The only thing missing is you !
If God meant me to be naked, he would have made my skin fit better.
dreaming of a 'backcolor=#FFFFFF' Christmas.
If you ever see your girl smiling at her phone, she probably laughing at my posts and picturing our life together after she leaves you.
Q: What's more disgusting than a hicky on a hemorrhoid? A: The chick that put it there. 