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if you're good at something you just gotta put on your jogging shoes and run with it!!! 
With a name like "Earl," I'm more afraid this hurricane will get drunk and beat a pregnant woman, than I am that it will cause flooding.
It's not that I don't like men..Its just that I think they should drink from separate water fountains..
if you don't like your job, you don't strike...you just go in everyday and do it half-assed...THAT'S THE AMERICAN WAY!!
I wish my laundry were more like me and do itself.
3 roomates and the end of the toilet paper ALWAYS end on me.. WTF!!!!!
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
The opinions expressed here are not those of my employer, my wife, my church, or myself... But they are the opinions of Elvis as revealed to me through the medium of my pet hamster, Lee Harvey Oswald...
wants to point out that real men don't sparkle.
Hey negative people; The only thing I want negative in my life are pregnancy tests.
Checklist: Poke People ✔ Delete People ✔ Block People ✔ Send Friend Requests ✔ Accept Friend Requests ✔ Ignore Chats ✔ Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ✔....Morning chores all done.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I'm a revengetarian. Yeah, strictly vengeance-based diet. It's a lot of waiting around for livestock to be jerks to me
Army drone crashes near Pennsylvania elementary school! Probably taking pics of lil kids - NS@ Pedophiles
Nice guys finish somewhere other than in your hair.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet? Step the fu*k up
Damn hard of hearing pharmacist. I had trouble sleeping so I asked for Nytol. He gave me Mydol. So here I am, wide awake, but I have to admit the cramps and bloating are gone.
Holy shit, I just found out time travel is possible. You can go to 2004 by just following this link: www.myspace.com
Sexually molesting the wall while looking for the light switch.
On a scale of 1 to Mother-in-law How annoying are you? 