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Women are like Parking spaces.. all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!! :) 
If my girlfriend had a little plasma on her forehead with a football game on, I'd always give her my undivided attention.
How to you piss off a archeologist? Hand them a tampon and ask them what period it's from.
Female Black Widow spiders kill and eat their mate after mating...ya know, I think those bugs are really on to something! :)
Tim Tebow just signed a 36 million dollar life long contract with kleenex!
One good thing about music. When it hits you, you feel no pain.
Are both your parents retarded? Because you seem very special?
got so bored that I decided to take a crap for no reason
He's still my impeached president.
Jesus said: "Heal the sick, feed the poor", and Romney said "What, for free?"
My favourite sexual position is 'The Obama'. It's where I choose someone who promises me wonderful things but over time screws me over.
Rooster+Rooster=No Egg....Hen+ Hen= No Egg....Rooster+ Hen=Egg/Chicken........Now you know why Chick-fil-a supports traditional couples!
Immigrants are like sperm, millions get in but only one works...
Breaking News! You can "QUIETLY" be a Christian and leave people who believe in something more substantial, believable, reasonable, realistic and is NOT a mere product of mental invention......Learn to stay in your lane dummies.
I think “Recession” is when your neighbor loses his job. “Depression” is when you lose yours. And “Recovery” is when Obama loses his.
I watch truTV and CSI so much that I even wipe my fingerprints off the remote after I turn off the TV.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Facebook doesn't need a "dislike" button what it needs is a " noody effin cares" or get over yourself your really not that special button"
I can't help but laugh at that Shake Weight commercial. If you've seen it, you know exactly why
getting a tattoo of Tattoo from Fantasy Island. 