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My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment. 
I see Black Friday is coming up and wondering who profits the most on that day? The people who are smart enough to stay home feeling thankful for everything they have the day after Thanksgiving?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy. Surgeon: I'm not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If she says "do you notice anything different about me?" just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turns 45 today. It's time for a Titanic prostate exam. l
me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you
Santa is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Seriously, why didn't you care about the Clinton's taking money from their bogus Clinton Foundation? They were stealing hundreds of millions from their own charity, Mr. Hypocrite. Typical. And, why would a billionaire steal a paltry $2 mill? Fake News.
Do you ever randomly start thinking about a time you embarrassed yourself 15 years ago and get embarrassed all over again?
I'm thankful I won't have to go push and shove people on Black Friday the day after telling everyone on Facebook how thankful I was for everything I have.
I'll never understand why people name their kids after 80's action heroes. Sorry, but I have more class than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make a conference call to my sons Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael and Leonardo.
You know your a Volkswagen bus owner when you know how that your "Honk if Any Parts Fall Off" sticker also prevents tailgators.
Love Facebook's feature that not only helps you to get more things done, it give you more time to hangout with friend's and be more social, which you can find it under settings then scrolling down to where it says Log out. Try it, it works!
I can't believe we still have 364 days till Christmas and people already have their lights up.
My New Year's resolution is to delete my account and open facebook recovery centers across the nation.
Last year my New Year's resolution was to loss 30 lbs and now that we're about to ring in another New Year I'm happy to say that I've only got 40 more pounds to go!
I have been called annoying, not once, not twice, not three times not four times not five times not six times not seven times not eight times not nine times not ten times not eleven times not twelve times not thirteen times not even 14 times._.
Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I approach them.
Just when I was getting use to writing 2019
20 year old in Colorado.... "The Cops!! Quick light a joint to cover up the cigarette smell!!!!" 