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Driving a gray car in the winter is putting a lot of faith in your fellow drivers on the road. 
I'm not one for eating oat-meal. My box of Quaker oats is so old that picture of the quarker on the box has brown hair.
Everyone just so happens to own a broken clock in Arizona tonight....
Condolences to Martin Shkreli's cellmate for the extra 20 years he's gonna get for definitely murdering Martin Skreli
Weekends are for losers who can tell a difference from one day to the next.
somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for booze
My comfort zone is always southern
{at sports arena} *kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My love life is terrible. The last woman I was inside of was the statue of liberty.
If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements
effective way of getting back at someone is to ask them a yes or no question like this - "Have you stopped putting your head up ur a$$ these days ?
Fun fact: Easter is April 1st. The last time Easter was on April 1st was in 1956. And the next time willbe 2029.
Maybe I should start setting my alarm for 11:00 PM because that is the sound that makes me go to sleep
I believe snakes would hate humans a lot less if they knew the world's first mobile game is dedicated to them
None of us really knows anything about Stormy Daniels other than her first pet's name was Stormy & she grew up on Daniels street.
Men at 20 play football, at 40 tennis, at 60 golf. Notice as they get older their balls get smaller.
Fun fact: If you cut off all the hair on your body and laid it end to end...You'd be some kind of weirdo.
It is true, welfare checks are now 1/8 an inch bigger.
a bisexual a person who pays for sex?
Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp 