Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions. 
Well if you didn't want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[Dinner at Arby's] Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home Me: Ahh memories
How did the dude sell us out when the other dude and his kid made all the money? Enquiring minds (and the Feds) want to know, Joe.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is Salad!!
Being in a long distance relationship is like saying, "I have an iPhone, but it's in USA"
I may have done quite a number of bad things in my life... But never tagged 49 people just to get 9 likes
If you say the word "Rum-balls" without rolling the R...are you even pronouncing it correctly?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.
Crazy that in 2019 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between sowho's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and facebook can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
Orson Welles
Just saw my auto insurance agent use a calculator to calculate 2017-2013 to show me it's been 4 years......... time for a new insurance company. 😅
Looking for a way to charge my dog for staring at the window and watching squirrels all day. Petflix
Holding off getting ready because it's not nearly the last minute yet.
RIP Fats Dominoe. Even though I thought you died like 20 years ago it still hurts. Ain’t That a Shame”?
"You sir, are a lactose-intolerant person with bee allergies." -Useful insult in the Land of Milk & Honey
You know things are bad when George Dubya tells his Dad to stop embarassing the family!
So the Houston Astros beat the Los Angeles Dodgers to win the World Series. Sort of reminds me fondly of last year's presidential election. (Red State beats Blue State). 