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My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu. 
Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells 'who arted' and I feel I failed as I should've thought of that joke
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it's the foot in your nose at 00:39
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest. “No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming* patient: who's that? nurse: your trauma surgeon patient: wow he's good
thank you for the funny jokes and tweets again.. ahhhhh
I've been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I'm eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
@shanethevein It's not so much that I'm a KE$HA hater, its more of the fact that I'm a music lover.
A Cheerio just fell out of my bra, and suddenly I realize food gets more action than I do.
Feeling cute...might buy a goalie mask and go camping later...I dunno. #FridayThe13th.
You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler? Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Ugh, I hate social media. (please validate this opinion via social media)
I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.
I just gave my secretary a baby shower. Well, a potential baby shower. If you know what I mean.
Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Home is where your toilet is.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I?? 