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Whenever Adobe Flash tells me to update I download and install an even older version, that's MY revolution 
Sometimes I just can’t believe I am an adult with normal things like a mortgage, a job, and an overwhelming desire to drive off a cliff.
I'll sleep when my iPhone's dead.
Glad I'm not Spiderman cause I'd probably just make lots of web hammocks and take lots of naps.
Psychos who stop at roundabouts when there’s no one coming; stop. I mean go.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good
its never too late to go back to bed.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children. Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."
Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know... A Couples Retweet
I don't have a nervous system. I *am* a nervous system.
I used to be a hipster, before it became trendy.
If you don't hold your breath when the microwave is counting down we can't be friends
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock] scooby: RIVORCE???
*first day as an accountant* me: so where are the ants?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond* Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
After further investigation, it was determined that Kevin Hart’s booster seat was not fastened correctly.
I went to KFC yesterday and when I was done licking my fingers, I offered to lick other peoples fingers. Long story short. I need bail money.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber 