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The best advice my parents ever gave me was not to push too hard because that's how Elvis died. 
Fell asleep last night with the T.V. off. Was that camping?
My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.
*putting a top hat on my dog* Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
therapist: what's your biggest fear me: ghost chameleons bc they have therapist: [gasps] double invisibility
[School Bus Driver Interview] INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest weakness? GREEN LANTERN: {Don't say the color yellow} Um...children
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
If I’m ever on Jeopardy I hope the final category isn’t “Can You Tell These Mumford & Sons Songs Apart.”
Whenever Adobe Flash tells me to update I download and install an even older version, that's MY revolution
Sometimes I just can’t believe I am an adult with normal things like a mortgage, a job, and an overwhelming desire to drive off a cliff.
I'll sleep when my iPhone's dead.
Glad I'm not Spiderman cause I'd probably just make lots of web hammocks and take lots of naps.
Psychos who stop at roundabouts when there’s no one coming; stop. I mean go.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good
its never too late to go back to bed.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children. Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."
Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know... A Couples Retweet
I don't have a nervous system. I *am* a nervous system. 