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If you found your wife or husband on a dating website, it’s only romantic if it isn’t 3 years after you got married. 
I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
That horseshoe has NO LUCK!
*Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl. *hands bowl to child, eats the rest
[first day as an ambulance driver] ME: *crashes into a light pole* PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying...
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade? I see you peach, and I’m watching
[first day as a pilot] me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100
The best advice my parents ever gave me was not to push too hard because that's how Elvis died.
Fell asleep last night with the T.V. off. Was that camping?
My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.
*putting a top hat on my dog* Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
therapist: what's your biggest fear me: ghost chameleons bc they have therapist: [gasps] double invisibility
[School Bus Driver Interview] INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest weakness? GREEN LANTERN: {Don't say the color yellow} Um...children
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
If I’m ever on Jeopardy I hope the final category isn’t “Can You Tell These Mumford & Sons Songs Apart.” 