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FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke. 
Brace yourselves it's Harley Quinn weekend!
Guess it's time to throw out the leftovers from last Thanksgiving...
Get your copy of "Who's Boat is this Boat" today!
People ask to meet for coffee so they can pick my brain almost every week. If you don’t want to pay for consultancy I don’t have a brain.
Why is there a permanent setting on my iron ?
In 1984 a light aircraft killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach.. which is why I don't jog!!
Bakers, your technical challenge for today will be the classic American style marijuana brownie. Paul would like for you to each bake 96 dozen and they must look good!
Kevin McCallister's parents has to be the most dimwitted parents ever not to realize that Buzz is the cause of their family's problems.
In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu — and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he’d taught to fire a gun.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. My 4 y/o: I don't have any other feet.
I should ask all of my exe's on a scale of 1-10 how good of a boyfriend I was...and then totally ignore anyone who doesn't say 10 cause I cant stand liars
When a girl says "Aw that's that's very sweet of you" to a male friend who asks her out on a date what she's really trying to say is "Back into the friends zone with you!"
Please let me complain about my dry throat without you offering to lubricate it.
I always confuse actresses Meryl Streep and Glenn Close. They both look like men but only one has the appropriate first name.
I guess I shouldn't have used Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've only begun to scratch the surface.
Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
am I watching The Weather Channel or Game of Thrones? it looks like winter is coming
Breast are proof that men can concentrate on two things at the same time.
someone from Egypt sent me an e-mail asking me to wire them money. I think it was a pyramid scheme 