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I heard Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it. 
In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in from of everyone in the grocery store.
Strange Jeopardy Categories: Does this look infected to you?
Before the internet, no one had successful spelled the word "hemorrhoids".
I haven't dated since the 1990's, do people still use the pickup line "Wassssssupp?"
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses around.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick.
Life is not a fairy tale guys........if you lose a shoe by midnight your drunk.
Happy Father's Day to all the real Dad's.... Sit down deadbeats we celebrate you on April Fool's Day...
The best things in life are free drugs.
My favorite Greek philosopher was Tentacles. His work just grabs me, ya know?
Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral at all of their stores?
Turns out the Senate is more likely to allow a AK-47 inside a public restroom than a transgender person.
I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.
I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Spider-Man in the streets, the Hobgoblin in the sheets.
Whenever it rains the trees scream "it's party time"
No one wants to chill with me tonight cuz I lost my Netflix password
I don't trust stairs. They always look like they're up to something.
I don't trust the sun. Why can't we look directly at it? What is it hiding? 