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Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life? ...... I do. 
Maybe if all 50 states legalized marijuana, we would all be handling this presidency much better.
day 489 without sex: the demon I see in the corner of my room when I have sleep paralysis lookin kinda cute now
At my wedding the minister asked me: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I said I do. He turn and look at her then back at me and said are you sure?
The spectacle before us was indeed sublime.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
I'm so poor growing up that we couldn't afford hamburger helper so we bought beef assistant.
I wonder what other phone calls Cohen has recorded?
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
I'm at that delicate stage in a relationship where my bf is trying to untie the ropes to call the police.
"Almond milk will now be known as white stuff from nuts."
My heckling of Jeopardy contestants has become too aggressive.
To make perfect chilli only use 239 beans. If you add one more it willbe too farty.
Got drunk last night and joined the Space Force.
They say you shouldn't say anything if you can't say anything nice and that's why I haven't spoken to anyone since 1997.
Whomever has my Voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks....I'm in public!
Cop: You ran someone over. What was your motive? Me: Auto.
For National Dog Day, I told my neighbor's dog to get out of my yard. It's National Dog Day, not take a dump in your neighbors yard day.
when a friend messages you a GIF image for your birthday, is that a birthday GIFt ?
No I am not childish. You are just a doodoo head! 