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Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused. 
If my nephew doesn't stop playing Chopsticks on that wretched piano I think I shall go mad! (Wait a minute...I don't have a piano and my nephew isn't here...)
If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?
I remember grandpa’s last words before he died. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he asked, “What’s this warning label say?”
Happy birthday J.F.K. 5/29/1917
How are condoms and cameras a like? They both capture that magical moment.
Sometimes I feel like I have a 1-bit brain with a parity error. This is one of those days.
I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.
If you go to sleep at 6am, is that going to sleep early or late?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
It’s like my grandfather used to say: “The more clit sucking you do, the less nagging you’ll hear”
Do you have any Imodium? Me, flirting
Hooray! Won't have to watch Golden State vs Cleveland in the NBA finals for the 5th year in a row. :)
Gynaecologist: A female private investigator.
I want to grow old with you - me, to my couch
I ONLY beg in the bedroom.
I’ve just realized I’ve come to a point in my new life . That I’m extremely happy that my favorite neighbor is that cat that lives three floors down!
“I have a taser in my purse” - me flirting
Did you know that smacking a bar waitress on the a$$ will get you a drink from the special menu ?..
If you can lay on the floor without holding on...... You're not drunk. 