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No more wet foot, dry foot for the Cubans #obamasfarewell 
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Well .... My wife said she wanted a cat and I didn't, so we compromised and got a cat.
Be Yourself. Unless you are a jerk; in which case pretend to be someone else.
when I was 5 years old my teacher asked if I wanted to take the class guinea pig home ;.. 7 months later I arrived in the African republic of Guinea .
I think I can beat up a group of ninjas. According to the movies, they must attack you one at a time while everyone else rocks back and forth in a absurd manner. So I think I have a chance!!!!
All Slip and Fall classes will be cancelled after the Inauguration.
If you're constantly sharing old memories on Facebook, does that mean you can't let go of your past?
"Can I safely look at a picture of the sun on my phone? I know you not suppose to look at the sun, but how about a picture?" - My wife
I don't get why all these people are saying "Not My Precedent!" Do they share a shameful past?
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren't there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Have you ever wondered if there is such a thing as identical twins in zebras?
Sure, Lady Gaga just put on an amazing show, but she's no 3 Doors Down.
Don't blame me, I voted for Calvin Coolidge.
The only way you can get a like from some of the chicks is to take a picture of them while they are standing in front of a bathroom mirror taking a picture of themselves while they are looking thru an album of previous selfies taken earlier that day.
They say"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Well I have been alive a long time and had 2 near death experiences and I have not gained an ounce in muscles yet.
Winter seems more like a booty call than a three-month relationship.
I've decided on my Valentine's Day date...Its going to be whoever sits down next to me at Fricker's. Fingers crossed that its a girl this year!
Shout out to all the hotel maids working tomorrow. They're the real heroes! 