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My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice. 
I swore off men….it lasted 3 1/2 minutes.
There’s no such thing as a covid vaccine, they just inject you with a really small guy that builds pillow forts around your cells so the virus can’t enter
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
you wanna get into my pants, feel free. They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.
I want my covid vaccine to be delivered via blow dart
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Two Section 8's in a relationship don't make 16.
Alright good work team, we’ve made all the ship jokes and we can stop now
How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.
There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed
If my call is that important to them, why do I have to listen to Air Supply for 20 minutes before they answer?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought I was running
Why isn’t there a shortage of workers trying to sell me auto insurance?
Just because she is constantly under FBI investigation and has been proven to be totally corrupt doesn't mean she's unqualified to be President of the United States! just kidding
"I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - Pumpkin 