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This is embarrassing but I just noticed that I've been wearing "2010" New Year's Eve glasses for the past decade 
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs: 1. Colonialists 2. Sisters
Feel bad for all the kids who probably won't be trick-or-treating this year, but just think of all the candy they'll be for 50% off the day after!
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
The only reason she hasn’t killed me yet, is because she knows she’ll cry and miss me.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house* CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks? GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
i was looking at the bigbustycoons site... Those guys have some big bus companies
With the pandemic just curious if anyone’s house got toilet papered or sprayed with Lysol last night.
Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole
Fauci spent 50 years of his life studying viruses, just so he could trick rednecks into wearing paper masks. That was his career goal all along. Don't believe anything else.
Maybe snow kills COVID. You don’t know!
One day, I would love to visit the state of JOEgia.
Adding a few Barbie limbs to the dead bugs in a porchlight is a fun way to tell guests they should’ve left before dark.
Breaking news!!! They are making a sequel to "Unforgiven" . It's called "Look, I said I was sorry".
all I wanna do is [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] move to a safer neighborhood
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!! 