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What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka. 
Etc. – used to make people think you know more about a subject than you actually do!
You don't have to own a horse to know what not to put in it!
Typos are like pregnancies... miss a period and it changes everything.
I find it very ironic that I have to get out of bed on Humpday.
I'm also thinking about making a condom made of all bubble wrap...I can go from pop...pop...pop...to poppoppoppop
You sound worse trying to hold a sneeze in and letting out a weak wimper rather than AAAAHHHCHOOOO YEAH!
"Would you like some tea?"..... "No".... ANARCHY IN THE UK
I can melt ice with my mind!! ...it just takes a few minutes
Don't tell me about how you "dressed up" your baby for a special occasion. If you're wearing something you can sh!t in you aren't dressed up.
I let my dog drink out of the toilet & then lick me on the mouth because it's easier than eating Activia.
I wish the Apostles had been Cowboys instead of fishermen. I would really like a steak or burger today.
If a milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, what brings the girls?
Some people in your life are there to serve a certain purpose, well this is your notice your services are no longer needed.
sometimes...the nut doesnt fall far from the sack
They had a bunch of new cars in the mall today, I didnt buy it, but its was one hell of a test drive
1990's - Last Generation With Common Sense.
I hope Floyd Mayweather wins the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of a boxer wanting to fight Manny Pacquiao.
Today's the 5th anniversary of my joining Facebook . Also the 5th anniversary of the last time I spoke to my family or read a book..
if anyone of my thousand FB friends steal my status that the other site stole...they're gonna think I steal my status's :o 