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this is getting outta hand. I wake up, turn my TV to the Playboy Channel, and even 'THEY'RE' talking about Jeremy Lin. WTF??? 
Grammar- the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit
wonders when child abuse became television entertainment..oh wait, its called dance moms..oh, ok then
great day, everyone stared at my ass....then I found out I had a cheerio stuck right where my hole would be
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Can you smell that? That's fresh-brewed coffee mixed with Friday...delicious!
The Yankees reportedly traded AJ Burnett for 7 dirty used baseballs, a pack of big league chew, half eaten pack of sun flower seeds and Prince Fielders jock strap, the yankees made out like bandits.
Every time I see a "Baby On Board" sticker on a car, I cant help but think to myself, "Bonus points!"
Negative Thoughts + Negative People = Negative Life
mustaches are great, but when you shave them suddenly, clearly your lip is fugly
The best thing about a german shepherd is after he kills someone, he dismembers and...buries them. all by himself..no muss no fuss. good boy
told by his girlfriend that she dreamt I was going to give her a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. She asked me what this meant and I told her she'll know via my present that evening. She didn't enjoy the "What dreams mean" book I gave her for V day!
whenever I want to stop an aggressive salesman, I just interrupt his spiel and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"
called your boyfriend gay, and he marked up my car with lipstick.
Yes I would like to receive special offers via e-mail. That way I can forward them to my friends and piss them off.
There has to be a way to combine Full Metal Jousting and driving. Bet I wouldn't get cut off anymore.
I'm fine with it raining cats and dogs as long as it doesn't reindeer
presidents day is for reflecting on our forefathers and accomplishments by great men..or drink the day away thanks to our current recession
pretty sad that the only thing that goes down on you is your bank balance
Everyone is perfectly normal until they stumble upon Facebook or Twitter. 