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Just know that whenever your feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up! 
I'm glad my job isn't standing on the corner, spinning a sign, dressed up like the Statue of Liberty, while drivers make the jerk-off sign
If you have ever used one of those Hand Dryers in a bathroom, congratulations...you just did a portion of the Macarena.
Friend tellin me " Bro I wasn`t that drunk…." Me: “Dude you destroyed my gf's garden at 4:00AM while shouting and screaming "F**k Farmville!"
I don't mind it when people let their minds go blank. I just wish they would log off Facebook when it happens.
Texting angry....All CAPPS!!
watch for ME during the halftime show at the Super Bowl. I'll be the one holding Madona's colostomy bag.
I use to be a tight end... Now I'm a wide reciever!
Dear haters, I couldn`t help but notice that "awesoME" ends with "me" and "Ugly" starts with "U".
It should be illegal to be outgoing before 10am.
Girls, don't waste money tattooing your legs. They eventually become available for free. They're called varicose veins.
I never understood the point of checking into the gym?? Most of the time everyone can see if you workout. And if someone "likes" it, they probably think you're fat and are happy you're pretending to make a change.
My homosexual dyslexic mate cant wait for February the 14th..........He thinks its Vaseline Day!!!!
My superpower is turning tequila into tears.
Hate when I'm Sexually rubbing the wall until you find the light switch.
The girl said we were not spending enough time together, so we went to a movie,, she dragged me to Twilight,,, breakup T- minus one hour twenty three minutes!!
that sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching a awesome movie :(
Women may not hit harder.....but they can hit lower
if you refer to yourself or the person you are talking too in 3rd person and/or if you've hurt your shoulder from patting your own back.. you can't and shouldn't be trusted.
It's like I'm always holding for the next available representative, but they never hold me back. 