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eating chilidogs in bed is a bad idea....dropped some....i don't know how to explain this at the laundrymat, let alone if my roommate walks by and sees me eating this off of my sheets. 
think I'm going to start plagiarizing myself.....wonder if I will get caught.
it is very hard to defend Nigerians as druglords with that big WHITE line on their national flag.
Worst thing in the world is being surprised in your office by a colleague after a particularly toxic fart...
Crocodiles are just lizards who joined a gym
I can't wait until everyone is on board with gay marriage so we can move on to marrying our phones.
Unless your baby rolled a blunt, please don’t bore me telling me about how he did the cutest thing.
Men have Sports Center, women have Steel Magnolias.... this is why we should just have sex and not try the "talking" thing.
how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat ?
You got to live life on both sides of the coin, you never know which side its going to land on
When a woman says nothing's wrong that means everything is wrong and when a woman says everything's wrong that means everything is wrong. - Homer Simpson
that Lorena Bobbitt swinging that knife around in the new Taco Bell commercial??
Ever notice that 5000 chanting people is an "unruly mob" when you disagree with them, but "patriotic supporters" if you do agree with them?
"How do you think you would like it if the tables were turned?"...... ~interior decorators
Aquariums are a place where fish get to watch you for free but it comes at the price of never leaving
Guys, I don't mean to sound negative or anything, but according to my research, everything sucks.
I'm not celebrating independence day because I still live with my parents.
I was going to paint my dogs’ nails but I’m sure the other b*tches would make fun of her.
If you love someone set them free; if she comes back it means she doesn't have confidence and turn her off again.
Tim Tebow is under investigation by the IRS. It seems he recently joined an organization called The Patriots. 