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I spend the first few hours of every day killing weeds in my front yard and the last few hours of every day smoking them in my backyard. 
Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"
Does this "eating a lean cuisine on a Saturday night." Make me look single?
Tom Brady: So I said, "It isn't flat" and they were like, "yes it is" and I'm like, "no its not" Christopher Columbus: "I hear ya, man!"
[walking up to birthday party] Kid: "Dad, these are all the cool kids. Don't embarass me." Dad: "I hear ya dawg" *puts baseball hat on backwards*
That moment when you flex your foot wrong and it cramps, and you think “This is it…this is how it ends.”
Want to know the best way to make friends? Tell a woman you love her and she will say "I think we're just friends"
My mind is telling me yes But my body My body's telling me no...Me waking up for work every morning!
[sitting at table] Wife: writes number on pice of paper and slides it across. Me: Crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*
Why can't my camera take the same picture I see when I look in the mirror?
My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties. On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love' On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'
Are you sure your relationship is "complication" and you're not just sleeping with too many people?
All of my fantasies involve you and then there's pizza a few times.
No.... I said I CAN keep a secret, not that WILL.
Irony: When a stipper says she is not being treated like a lady.
I don't care if two dudes get married but the first time I see them doing an ED commercial, I'm out!
Sometimes I spend whole office meeting wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door...
Do you really think that people ask George Foreman all the time what to do with their idea for a new invention?
Making love is just a fancy way of saying missionary.
Its exhausting trying to look busy at work all the time. 