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Under People you might know, Facebook has decided to put a bottle of vodka. Well Played FB, well played. 
I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Larry Smith in Silver Spring, Maryland. ''There are multiple listings for Larry Smith, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake."''
Had Chinese Food last night & my fortune cookie read, "Be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity"; so I left the restaurant without paying.
Firetrucks & ambulances would be much more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move" by Ludacris!
I met an Indian guy today.. he does NOT work in IT.. mind blown.
Feels like Ryan Gosling & I have a lot in common: We're both men, we both have kids. He owns a restaurant in Beverly Hills, I go to Arby's.
How do you get your name put in lights all over the world? Change it to Emergency Exit.
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.
Current Relationship Status: My girlfriend takes more selfies with the cat than with me.
Never bring peanut butter to a rap battle.
"I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die." --Dolphins.
I need an Instagram filter that makes it look like I went outside.
It's not stalking if you're documenting their life for a mixtape.
My donations to the food driver are bittersweet. I give, but it's canned sliced beets and Beefaroni.
Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.
I smothered my first husband with kisses and kept doing it just until the paramedics arrived; then I made it look like I was giving him CPR.
Get over yourself lady, I was smiling at your cat.
I'm sorry for what I called you when you tried to wake me up...
Goals Every College Student Should Accomplish This Summer: 1) Ween myself off coffee. 2) Exercise other than walking to classes. 3) Get onto a sleep cycle similar to that of a human. 4) PARTY!!!!
Bread with peanut butter for breakfast, because who has time for toast. 