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Ozzy should not have forgotten to tell Sharon Happy Mothers day 
There's this one really stupid cop that's been following me around flashing his lights ..... Doesn't the idiot notice all of the other people on this road driving the wrong way!!!! ...... Sheeeeesh
Sticks and stones may brake my bones ... But names will never hurt me!! ..... Except SLUT ....... The word SLUT really hurts ...
Cryogenics is nothing new. My landlord has been freezing our bodies every winter for years.
Aren't drug dealers just street pharmacists and prostitutes just public wives?
it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so.
Pro Life really just means Pro Being Born... on your own after that.
Under People you might know, Facebook has decided to put a bottle of vodka. Well Played FB, well played.
I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Larry Smith in Silver Spring, Maryland. ''There are multiple listings for Larry Smith, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake."''
Had Chinese Food last night & my fortune cookie read, "Be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity"; so I left the restaurant without paying.
Firetrucks & ambulances would be much more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move" by Ludacris!
I met an Indian guy today.. he does NOT work in IT.. mind blown.
Feels like Ryan Gosling & I have a lot in common: We're both men, we both have kids. He owns a restaurant in Beverly Hills, I go to Arby's.
How do you get your name put in lights all over the world? Change it to Emergency Exit.
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.
Current Relationship Status: My girlfriend takes more selfies with the cat than with me.
Never bring peanut butter to a rap battle.
"I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die." --Dolphins.
I need an Instagram filter that makes it look like I went outside.
It's not stalking if you're documenting their life for a mixtape. 