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If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean one of them enjoys it? 
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
Southwest Airlines is like a woman's period: it hurts your back and it's usually late.
For her birthday she told me to get her something she could use, She must not of liked the Summers Eve, I havent heard from her in days
A man goes to the Doctors with an hearing problem. Dr. says "Can you describe the symptoms" - "Yea sure, Homer is fat and drinks beer and Marge has blue hair!"
What's the big deal about the Southwest Airlines planes and a fuselage tear? I love a convertible.
the one thing that annoys me about Disney films is that inanimate objects don't break out into song and dance nowhere near as much as they do in the films and when they do no one else is around to see.
from South Africa and no we don't have Lions in our backyards ;)
watches the Dancing with the Stars each week, hoping "Johnny Lawrence" jumps on stage and sweeps Ralph Macchio's leg.
Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups...
swimming less than 30 minutes after a meal.. Thug life baby!!
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Sophisticated…Aerodynamic…Incredibly Powerful, yet responsive to lightweight handling
Went to this mexican restaurant for dinner ... It had pronounciations of each item ... Nachos (Na-choos) Buritto (Bur-ee-toe) Taco (Ta-Koe), never laughed so hard in my life! Side note: It was attached to a bowling alley ... awesome
These voices in my head are really annoying , but sometimes they come up with a good idea .
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
When the toilet lids closed, it's turned into a seat.
What's the difference between strippers and ballerinas? The ballerina's poles are horizontal.
Stevie Wonders first text message: "lajjeoijalfweap'ojiejreojafjaoa;jfoweajaofjaofji"
Nic Cage arrested for domestic abuse. Hope the judge throws a book at him -- y'know one that has good scripts & acting tips in it! 