Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I had to use a payphone the other day and when I put the receiver to my ear, it was like there was jelly on it. Well that's what it tasted like. 
Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!
Honestly, I'd hit Anderson Cooper too if I had the chance.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
If you have VIP in ur license plate you are a douchebag. If you have VIP in the license plate of ur 1996 Toyota Corolla you r a delusional douchebag
My biggest fear is that my legs will go to sleep while I'm going poop then stand up, collapse and get knocked out. Then I'd be found on the floor naked and sh!tty...
i need to find cinderella because I'm tired of running into her stuck-up cant take a joke high maintence sisters
I have not yet begun to procrastinate
Intelligence Report: Pakistan may have contributed in housing and hiding Bin Laden. Did it really take an Intelligence Report to figure this out?
Ever try to get your toothpaste to curl up and look perfect on the toothbrush.. like it looks on the box?
is thinking of auditioning for The X-Factor next year. Do I go with the dead relative story, or should I just rock up in a wheelchair?
running outta status updates...please post something funny...like a come back status....
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser!
The uglier the girl the closer she lives.
men fart more than women, This is because they dont have their mouth shut long enough to build up any pressure.
saw a guy pick pocket a dwarf today. I thought how could he stoop so low?
I have received many kind wishes for my birthday and want to thank all those who have called, sent FB messages,texts or e-mails they are really appreciated. Special thanks to my wife for renting the Aunt Bee costume and rubber sheets for my bed time gift
Just seen the Facebook group: "I wish my laptop had unlimited battery".What, a plug?
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happend.
I had a thought, then it smiled and waved goodbye. 