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bringing my pet Mogwai with me to a New Years Eve party. 
Drank so much over the weekend that I'm giving a new meaning to "Shooting Craps."
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don't work.
If a ex-wife is laying in your bed, gasping for air and calling out your name, then you might want to hold the pillow down some more.
When I was in the 10th grade I was taught $ex-ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.
I like "glass half full" type of people. Unless they're working behind the bar.
There is something significant about being the first to use a fresh new toilet paper roll
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
Computers are so advanced that they are almost human; well, except for the fact that they don't blame their mistakes on other computers.
All I want is to find a cool person to hang out with until I drop dead. Not a lot to ask.
She has a body built like Pikachu
Revenge is my policy...
welcome back FRIDAY !!! I knew you coming back ,im fully charged and ready to get wasted with you ;)
It'll be weird when names like Heather and Ashley are old people names.
If Yo family says they're proud of you for graduating from everest that means they didn't think you would live that long
hates Mondays... and condoms
saving trees by eating beavers
decorating the office with post-it notes
I want to break down your wall so I can build another one around us.
Love songs are liars. 