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Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship. 
What came first the chicken or the egg all depends on whether or not I'm having breakfast or dinner.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think.
Saturday morning wife took me in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."
Microsoft Word! I try and move an image 1mm to the left, but all text and images shift, fonts change, four more pages appear...in the distance, sirens.
Nine months from now a boom of babies will be born, and we will call them Coronials!
Lifted my leg to fart like a young man and fell over
[stuck at home] son: omg so bored daughter: omg so bored wife: omg so bored me: omg so bored dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Tried oscillating today! Not a fan!
It's been awhile but I guess now would be a good time to check on my crops and see how they're growing in Farmville.
The lockdown has made workout guru Richard Simmons popular again. It's like taking exercise advice from a marshmallow.
My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.
Can't believe it's only been a month we've been self quarantining is it feels more like I've been doing it since like 1979
In these trying days of isolation please remember Deodorant is not Optional.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible I have toilet paper
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there and he said "I can't complain"
Now would be an Ideal time for Netflix to release Sheldon Cooper presents Sheldon Cooper's "Fun With Flags"
The man should always walk next to the curb with the woman walking next to the building. That way, if someone shoves a piano out of a 6th story window, she's the one who gets it. 