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Alimony should be spelled allmymoney 
Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.
Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.
Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."
Your first mistake was asking her what she is thinking and your second was listening to her reply.
Assuming intelligence on some people is a big mistake you will regret.
I am 32 yrs old. I just googled what "Gluten" was. I had no idea.....
My comfort zone is any place that I don’t have to wear pants.
being #1 isn't always the best, the most popular pencil is #2 .
Social media will make you think certain people are way out of your league, only to find out that they also think you are way out of their league.
Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.
My company has trouble thinking outside the box. We can't agree on the size of the box, the color of the box, whether it is wood or cardboard, a suitable box vendor or how much to budget.
Real life friends? In this economy??
Netflix at 625am this morning :*bursts through door while I’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!
Sex with me was once described as, "Not entirely unpleasant if you're a little drunk and have a pretty good imagination."
Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?
I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
You cant be a Nurse 4 Halloween n have STD's, pick something else, like a Prescription!! 