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Wonder why the lawyer I hired to defend me during my public lewdness trial didn't invoke the "extemely careless" defense. 
Hmmm, we didn't have all this craziness when people were allowed to smoke anywhere.......
Wendy's pay terminals hacked!!! First my wife finds out I was on Ashley Madison, now she'll know I bought my dates baked potatoes.
I want to be so rich I can build my own water park. Filled with vodka.
We are paying you to work, not chase fictional video game characters with your cell phone all day. Save it for your break time or lunch. Otherwise you'll have plenty of time unemployed to "catch them all".
obviously I'm against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor... it's pure gold
If you enjoy loud wails, eating dinner cold, unexpected slime, and not showering properly for days....Smile! You're a Parent.
You seem like someone desperate enough to LIKE your own FB posts.
Coworker: I have an announcement to make. We are expecting twins. Me: Congrats on having 2 kids with the same father!
My friend asked me if I'd ever be ready to go to a nudist colony. "Mate... I was born ready".
A belated congrats to the Sham Wow people for having the balls to sell a product on TV with the word "sham" in the name.
"It's so nice to see you finally working together," I tell my kids as they overthrow me.
I just can't get into Pokemon so why don't we make a Sweet Valley High Go game where I can collect dreamy dates.
Of course I play volleyball. In fact I’m very good at it. Just give me the damn racket and I show yow you...
Ladies you know what tonight is...Olympics and Chill?
A recent study shows that alcohol is a direct cause of 7 forms of cancer. And after hearing this bad news, I could really use a drink or two.
Hey automatic flushing toilets, I decide when I'm finished.
Instead of milk cartons they should put photos of missing people on the backs of smartphones.
And the Lord said, "I shall take short people and midgets.I shall combine the two. And he created gymnasts and saw that it wasn't so good."
Had a nice long talk with my niece about drugs....which ones are the best, who in town sells it, stuff like that. 