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People who don't have a dog, have to pick the food up them self that they drop on the floor . 
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I have nothing funny to say this morning. My creative license was revoked.
I’ve come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
My girlfriend isn't allowed to go see "IT" I'm the only clown in her life .
thinks that Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.
You know what they say about identity theft. Fool me once,shame on you,fool me twice shame on you because you're me now.
Kim is now offering nukes to the NFL. I said this would get out of hand but no one listened.
I told a girl in the grocery store that she drew her eyebrows on way to high. She just stood there with a surprised look on her face.
When life gives you scurvy, you’re going to wish you kept those lemons.
The worst part about being newly single is definitely finding a place to hide the body.
Interesting idea, Ice Cube should change his name to Soft Drink.
Answering the phone with a blast from an air horn sure has decreased the number of unwanted incoming calls considerably.
I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal.
So this means that the residents of Cleveland have nothing to complain about, right?
Miss those 90's thrillers when the bomb clock was still analog and only had three wires.
A recently unemployed friend signed up for Cobra and all they gave him was health insurance, not a snake?!?!
S&P lowers Britain from AAA to AA. Unless Britain is a disposable battery, this is bad news.
Just a friendly reminder for Canada Day and Independence Day, fireworks look way more amazing when you're not constantly checking your iPhone.
.... The Manchurian Candidates that have been offered under the Liberal banner are the Useful Idiots that Vladimir Lenin and Joseph Stalin spoke of to overthrow their opponents. 