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You know you are getting old when you look forward to going to bed before midnight, instead of staying up after. 
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard Wife: *smirking* ok Me: *pulls out my game boy*
When I was a kid we used to call Facebook soap operas.
Not sure if I just watched the Superbowl or a three hour commercial?
Cow farts come from the dairy air... I'll see myself out.
If Ireland contributed to the Perseverance Mission, would that make it an Irish Rover?
I drink Coca-Cola to help clean off all of the pennies in my stomach
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[first time at a rave] These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
There was a time when I, you know, wouldn't go "down" there...I suggested my girl trim it into a dinosaur shape. That's how my parents got me to eat chicken.
I heard a rumour Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary. It seems the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.
Guy's if you want to do your own thing in the upcoming new year, get your wife/girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue for christmas.
Thank god I don't have to hunt to eat, because I have no bloody clue where pizza lives.
Chinese food to go: $16.80. Gas to go pick it up: $1.60. Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order: Riceless.
I got home tonight and my girlfriend had on this little slinky outfit. which only really worked when she went down stairs .
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Sometimes I talked to myself because I need expert advice.
I hope Mexico doesn't raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating? 