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Sometimes waiting for the weekend is better than the weekend itself. 
The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again! "Are you in the kitchen?" Yes. "Honey, that's the microwave."
: Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs? Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I don't go on Facebook much so Dave, if you're seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year's party, hope you had fun dude.
Black bears smell up to 18 miles when hunting food. I smell my neighbor's barbecuing ribs and invite myself over. It's survival.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart* Acme online: people who buy this also buy - bird-feeder - giant mouse trap - jet-propelled pogo stick - painting fake tunnels for dummies -first aid kit - anvil
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?” Me, “Please...I have a family.”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
Once, just once, I'd like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Amazon is on fire? That’s not going to mess up my Prime 2 day shipping… is it?
Facebook birthday reminders are great as they help me realize I have absolutely no idea who this person is to unfriend.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I found my boss eating peanuts the other day and I shouted.... "Why are you eating my salary?" And surprisingly, we laughed together.... Then he fired me...!! 