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ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES: 
choosing the perfect podcast to listen to for the 20 second walk taking the trash out so I don’t accidentally exist in silence for a single moment of my life
Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation.
Everyone knows that your eyebrows are drawn on, we just wish you'd make them lightning bolts once in a while.
Some days I think I'm slightly intelligent, other days I try to take a screenshot of my cracked phone screen
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving. Haha, just a little joke to get us started. Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair* ME: perfect, thanks BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head* VOLDEMORT: yep, that's great
Dudes who order boneless wings close the Fridge with their hips
It's impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your legs.
My daughter has decided to become a vegetarian. I'm frying bacon.
Before Drake started saying YOLO did you guys think you could live twice or something?
The only beachfront property I'll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
How to discipline your child: 1. Politely ask them to stop. 2. Yell. 3. Yell louder. 4. Repeat yourself 74 times. 5. Give up and drink.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
me: hold me while I sleep anaesthesiologist: no
I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were good years.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
not telling you 