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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction ~Elena Gabrielle 
I'm hard at work writing song lyrics which center around my offering a ride to those asking to be taken to Funkytown.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spray them.
Dear Netfix, Thanks for playing all these post apocalyptic pandemic movies where people get infected and eat each other helping lift my spirits knowing that things could always be worse!
I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
oh shiit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and I legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here
Me: This is a service burrito
Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years. “Installing update 1 of 97”
Sitting at the window with my dog watching people go by outside and barking at them
You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.
Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress
Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.
From Jabba's point of view, Star Wars is about a guy who owed him a lot of money, but instead of paying he brought in a gang to murder him
I'm drinking a Diet Coke because I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts for breakfast. I'm hoping this will neutralize it.
The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it.
BEEP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout. 