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Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions. 
Don't be sad when you find expired food in your pantry. Be happy you outlived it.
I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Rotisseries are making chickens roll over in their graves.
These post apocalyptic movies are just not factual. I mean how can everyone be wearing leather when there are no cows?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
Sean Connery must have had a hard time training his dog to sit
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"
If it says "typing" for more then 2 minutes... you're gonna have a bad time.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?
I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Lady stabbed a guy singing Christmas Songs at the Mall. I bailed her out.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.
My math teacher called me average. How mean! 