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Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS. 
Been reading up on the
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.
They say the average adult has sex 54x a year. So, this should be a heck of a 3 months!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I'm not sure what level we just hit on Jumanji but I vote we just play Candyland next time.
Listening to the news right now .... I'm trying to figure out which ones are the "Real" and which are the "Fake" News Channels. Some are portraying Fidel Castro as a Champion of the People. Is that considered as Real or Fake News?
This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.
Day 3 of the flu is going well so far. I managed to brush my teeth without sneezing!! 