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Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy 
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
My five year plan is to make it through this year.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.
I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.
I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.
I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.
You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.
United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.
Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.
Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so. 