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I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices. 
I saw those Italy videos of people singing in Italy so I started singing to my neighbor and one lady told me to shut the *&^% up
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
The Gov. didn't have to issue me a stay at home order, my wife did that years ago.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach
[first day as an Orderly] *gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes
We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.
Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.
I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!
Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.
Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.
That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone
Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !
Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it. 